Constantly Working on My Self-Worth
Constantly Working on My Self-Worth
Written in my journal on 4/9/21…
Woke up this morning in stunning Costa Rica and the sounds and view of the volcano were almost enough to make me burst into tears. I’m going to celebrate my 37th birthday here in a few days and two years ago I turned 35 here. That makes me two things: grateful & unworthy. Sometimes when I look at my life, I can’t believe it’s mine, and I’m often stunned that it is, in fact, mine. And then right after the immense feeling of joy comes the self-sabotage. Thoughts of “who am I to deserve this” and always my default of “not being enough.”
One of the tendencies of the mind is to cling to the negative and doubt the positive. We all do it and it’s impossible to completely shut it off, but the more aware you are of it, the more quickly (not always easily,) you can talk yourself off the unworthy cliff which is something I had to do a lot the week leading up to this scouting trip.
Like the time I had a few drinks and accused my husband of not being supportive of this trip. The shame I have about that is pretty heavy, because not only is he the best husband, like ever, but he also had been nothing but 100% supportive. When I first told him of my plan, he didn’t even hesitate to tell me to “go have fun with the girls.” And when I agonized over leaving him with our really old dog that seems to be going downhill fast while also deserting him at the start of his busy season, he reassured me that we would figure it out. And we always do figure it out when I set aside my pride and actually let him help me. It’s funny we both spend so much time and try ridiculously hard to protect each other and make each other happy when we’re actually better together and make an incredible team.
Whenever I accuse someone of not being supportive, it’s always an unhealthy coping mechanism for not feeling worthy for one reason or another. This time it was the guilt of having COVID impact my brand financially and having the role of breadwinner reversed in my marriage. Having taken the leap full time into self-employment and then having to cancel retreats non-stop for a year meant pivoting my brand, requiring more time to build awareness of new offerings, and having to rely more heavily on the landscape business and my husband. Feeling unworthy to invest in a scouting trip for my brand and a mental reset for me personally is totally wrapped up in my ego of feeling like I need to provide or at least contribute. So I often have to remind myself that my worth is not the value of my income or how much I give or do for the people I love.
Once on the plane to this trip that I agonized over, I was reading an issue of Conde Naste Traveler magazine and the entire theme was about why travel specialists are needed now more than ever post-COVID. There were many stories shared of travel specialists constantly pulling a rabbit out of a hat to make their clients travel dreams come true during a period of time when most of travel was shutdown. I was SO inspired but all I kept thinking was “I’m not as good as these specialists.” And it’s complete crap. I planned this 13-day international journey in only a few days. I booked travel arrangements for four of us, somewhat last minute and navigated all of the new COVID restrictions. And you know what? It was actually pretty easy. Sure, it was work that required time, effort and attention to detail but I’m really good at my job, and I’m so freaking passionate about it.
So the next time I look at my best friends, my very valued co-hosts and think “they’re all so much better than me, why would they even want to hangout with me, mush less work with me,” I’ll remind myself that I worked really hard to create this beautiful life and this incredible community and that I’m so worth it.
And that might just be the secret to life, throwing yourself into the scary unknown and actively immersing yourself in the beauty of it while telling your mind to “shut the f up” so that you can enjoy it.
Images by Personal Branding Maven Elise Kutt at Mod Bettie Portraits
My name is Anna VanAgtmael, and I am retreat host, travel designer, and a certified yoga instructor with a passion for yoga, travel, and connecting with others.
I believe in trying everything once. My values lie in collecting memories over things.
My ambition is to inspire and encourage you to unmask your fears and jump into the unknown.
Anna VanAgtmael | Retreat Host | Travel Designer